"The John and Yoko of the Blogosphere, and I mean that in a Beatles fan kind of way, not a 'She's ruining Them! The Band is going to break up!' 1970 kind of way."
Um, Thanks, NukeDad?
Everything you never wanted to know about BusyDad
Jim Twitpics over at The Busy Dad Blog
A whole bunch of dumb crap about Mr Lady
Shannon writes entirely too long posts at Whiskey In My Sippy Cup
Mar 20, 2009 Hey there. We've been kind of scarce around here lately. Apologies. At least Mr Lady has an excuse. She's been busy getting older.
And with years come experience. Which is useful if you write an advice blog.
So please join me in wishing Mr Lady a very happy birthday. Cheers, my friend!! It's been an honor sharing your sippy cup!
Mr Lady rocks in birthdays Feb 7, 2009 Jaynie asks:
Alright, so this question is from a not-yet-mommy. I've found the guy I'm going to marry and I'm not planning to get pregnant until after we're wed. I'm 23 right now and I've got a good job and he's got an ok job and we have a great place to live and all that jazz.
My question is, when do you think it's a good time to have kids? What do you regret not having done before having yours? Is there some stuff that should really be sorted out before hand if at all possible?
BusyDad:
Heh… Jaynie, click on our bios for a sec. Mr Lady and I planned our respective families like Pee Wee Herman does matinees. Caught with our pants down.
I’ve often wondered what life would be like had I planned it all. And I can tell you. I’d be nursing a hangover right now, and trying to find my car. Much like my life 10 years ago, just with a better car. Because when you accept that you’ll wait until the time is right and all the ducks are crossed and your T’s are in a row, the status quo becomes your easiest crutch and greatest enemy.
So, BusyDad, your “advice” is to go all Taoist and just accept destiny wherever that may take you?
Sort of, but not really. My words of wisdom today are: “Prepare, Don’t Plan.”
I guess I’ve always more or less done things this way, but the concept never really anchored into my consciousness until a few years ago at a Muay Thai event. I was hanging out with my teammates back in the dressing rooms and this one guy from some other gym had just won a championship fight on 2 days notice. As we were giving him props for taking the fight such short notice, he responded “I try to train every day with the mentality that tomorrow the promoter is going to call me with an offer for a career-changing fight.”
So Jaynie, your career changing fight (maybe not the greatest analogy for use in the context of a marriage, but just go with me here) may come next month, it may come in 5 years. No one can plan this stuff. You can subscribe to the lunar tables and burn sage bouquets in deference to the fertility gods for years and have nothing to show for it, or you could down one too many Patron Silver shots one night and wake up a family-to-be. So just be ready.
Here’s a few suggested training exercises:
I wish you the best of luck. Parenthood can indeed kick your ass like a ring fight. But it can be just as exhilarating, rewarding and satisfying, if not more. Perhaps it’s because they share the same defining characteristic: loss of brain cells.
“Cut me, Mick.”
Mr Lady:
You are planning on having kids? You have a job? You are getting married because you want to? I'll bet you went to college and shit, too. Here; here are the keys to this blog. You already have your life more figured out than I ever will.
In all seriousness, Jaynie, I have no clue what universe you live in. I was 23 and 3 weeks old when I had my first son. He attended my wedding 5 months later. I never had a "job", I married his dad because we had a baby. And I loved him, but still, he was my second boyfriend. In hindsight, not such a hot idea. If my kid comes to me at 23 and tells me she want to marry and breed with her second boyfriend, I will shove her in a UPS shipping crate and send her to some remote location in another hemisphere where the people only speak in clicks, after holding her upside down under a concrete truck for a while.
The short answer to your question is this: There is no good time to have a baby. Having a baby is the hardest, most totally fucked up awesomeness you'll ever know in your life. Once you have a kid, everything else just ends for a while, and you'll be thrilled about that. I had mine at 23 and 24, and I wouldn't change that now if I could. That said, I did nothing at all before I had them. I didn't travel, I didn't go to college, I hardly dated, I'd never eaten caviar, I never splurged on an expensive pair of shoes, nothing. And once I had a baby, I couldn't do any of that stuff and worse, I stopped wanting to.
I'd tell you to wait until you were older. I'd tell you to make sure you had a nice little savings account, until you'd bought your first house, until your car is paid off, until baby daddy has a great job so that you can stay home if you end up wanting that, and until you two have more time to be married. The one thing harder to be than a parent is a spouse, and doing it as young as you are sets you up for some unique challenges, like, oh, making sure you grow together and not apart. 23 year old you's wouldn't recognize 30 year old you's if you all met at a bar. A young marriage can work, and I am living proof of that, but it's so very very hard for the first, oh, decade, and I am living proof of that, too. You need time together, just the two of you. You need a rock solid foundation on which to build your family. Give yourselves that. Sort that out, and then have babies.
But if you really want to have your kids young, which is awesome because then they'll move out while you're young and you'll get to have your 20s in your 40s when you actually have some money, do yourself one favor. Don't forget that your clock is going to start ticking sometime in your early 30s, no matter how many kids it kicks out in your 20s, and if you're not very careful your uterus will totally go for the hail mary pass. And then, when you're supposed to be sipping drinks out of umbrellas with your still very young, very hot husband while the kids are in college, you'll be at Disneyland waiting in line for Ariel's autograph.
And you'll be totally happy about that, too. I am totally living proof of that.
Jan 31, 2009 Ladies and Gentleman, Boys and Girls, Dads and Moms:
We have one question left. ONE. After that, Busydad and Mr Lady have no excuse to email each other all the damn time no totally awesome, painfully hilarious and shockingly accurate advice to dole out.
We might even have to consider pulling the plug on our little love brain child. *gasp*
So, please, we'd love it if you donated a question to the advice-bank. Just go click that "submit a question" link and ask away. It's almost painless, and we'll give you a cookie and some orange juice after.
Jan 29, 2009 MidLifeMama asks:
My son is 19 months old. Every so often he announced he is doing a "puppy", which means a poop. Is it too early to start potty training, and do you have any recommendations on resources on how to do this? I have trained dogs to be house trained, but I have never potty trained a human being. I have NO IDEA where to start. My husband can't remember how he did it with the first two kids, who are teenagers now. So any advice you can offer will be appreciated!
BusyDad:
This brings back memories. Not potty training memories though. Memories of when I used to blog about useful things and nobody cared. Things are much different now. I blog about useless things.
One of my first posts ever featured tips on potty training. I’d link to it, but then you’d see that I’m totally plagiarizing myself. But I had zero readers back then. So like a tree that falls in an empty forest, no one read it. Plus, if you follow my blog you know that free time is a rarity for me right now.
No time to blog means only one thing: the bullet point post. Here are the most salient items from my original potty training post, remixed and remastered with bonus content never before released:
*Breakdance wave n point to Mr Lady*
Mr Lady:
You smacked that man in the head for knocking you up after your kids were teenagers, right? Good.
Potty training I am crazy good at. Yes, 19 months is too young to potty train, and anyone who tells you otherwise has way too much time on their hands. However, 19 months is just about right for introducing it. However however, you asked us this question so long ago, you're kid's probably enlisted in the army by now, so maybe you can just pass this along to your grandchildren.
You said you have dogs? Good, this will be much easier on you then. You can clearly handle a little misplaced body waste. The best way to potty train a kid is to bring the potty to the kid. Where do you hang out most of the day? In the kitchen? In the den? That's where you put the potty chair.
Right now, just let him sit on it whenever he wants. Don't take his diaper off, don't make any deal out of it at all. Now, when it's time, when he starts telling you before he wee's or puppy's, here's what you do:
Take one day where you don't have to go anywhere, when no one is coming over. Distractionless. Take his diaper off and let him run around in his birthday suit all day. Crank that kid full of fluids. Every evil juice box, every forbidden, sugar-laden popsicle, every color Jello; fill the kid's tank. Make him pee. Every 10-15 minutes, sit him on the potty. Tell him that when he needs to pee, he'll feel tickles right *here* (push in on his tummy, right where the bladder is, so he knows where to expect the tickles.) One of those times, he's going to pee.
Reward him, but do yourself a favour: Reward him with a kiss or a hug or a silly dance. You start with the lollipops, you're screwed for life. Repeat this. ALL DAY LONG. That's the hard part. Just keep at it, no tv, no movies, no nothing but you, that kid and some puzzles or something. No distractions. By the end of the day, he'll be potty trained. And you'll be contemplating taking up alcoholism.
Once he starts standing to pee, get back to us for chapters 2 and 3; Target Practice and How To Get A Kid To Clean The Toilet.
Jan 9, 2009 Surfer Jay asks a really long question, but trust us, you need to read the whole thing:
How do I get my soon to be mother in law to obey my requests?
I asked her to not kiss my son on or near his mouth. I also asked her not to ever share food or drinks with him. An awful request to bestow upon a soon to be mother in law, I know.
She has herpes, and has given herpes to all four of her children. All four. From the time of her contracting it while a teenager, to thirty-five years of living later, she has retained a complete and utter disgraceful ignorance to the methods of transmitting this horrible viral disease. Through our conversation I learned that she did not know that herpes is contracted through skin to skin contact. She believes that her kids got herpes through the same method in which she has given them blue eyes and blonde hair. She believes that herpes lies dormant, even when her and her kid's blisters are oozing pus off their lips.
She was feeling vulnerable while I educated her, so accused me of being anal when it comes to educating myself about things. She told me, "Well you need to ask the pediatrician about this first." The madness of it all. So I told her the following, "(Lady) I will tell you something that nobody knows; your daughter gave me herpes. (Her face expressed horror) The same ones you gave her. I have had them for three years now. We were very careful, we didn't kiss within at least a week after her outbreaks subsiding, and yet I still got it. I have read the research on herpes. I have read every report I could find concerning the research done. I have read reports about all the various medications. I have been to two different doctors concerning this, and I have taken the medications. I have had blood work done. And I know all there is to know about herpes. I want to know about a disease that I have and that I could potentially pass on to my boy. Your daughter and I have discussed this matter. We are both on the same page. We both have agreed to never kiss him near his mouth or share food with him. This is very difficult to deal with, but we have to take preventative measures so he doesn't get it. As I am discussing this with you now, I will discuss it with everyone else later. I just wanted to talk to you first."
I went on to educate her in the ways of herpes. I told her everything I know, all of its deceiving and cunning ways of contraction and lying in wait. I was shaking. I was nervous. My voice was cracking. I told her I was nervous. I told her it was not easy talking to her about it. I had a large chopping knife in my hand the entire time I spoke to her as I chopped myself bell peppers, red onions, cucumbers, tomatoes and feta cheese for a Greek salad. I was using the knife on the wrong thing. It is a very harsh reality we exist in with herpes. to know that I can give my boy this disease is a horrible thing. The disease itself is not life threatening, and it's not something which necessarily requires daily medication, but it is a hurtful disease, after all.
The next day as we were leaving her house, she stopped me as I picked up the Boy locked up snuggly in his car seat. She bent down and kissed him. Everywhere. All over his face. Before she was done I tugged him away and walked off. She is a spiteful venomous being, capable of spreading disease. I shudder thinking about it.
So I ask, how do I get my soon to be mother in law to obey my requests?
Mr Lady:
My initial response was "Does she not watch South Park?" But this is no time for laughing, no matter how freaking funny that episode was.
What you have not said is where your wife stands on this. Are you a united front in the matter, or is this mostly you? My answer will not change based on that information, but your immediate well-being may. Because she may kick your ass if you follow my advice.
Dude, keep your fucking mother in law away from your child. Like, as far as.
Herpes isn't going to kill him, or you, or anyone. There are worse things your kid could catch than herpes. He'll learn to live with it if he catches it. He's probably going to catch it from you or the Mrs anyway. It's her grandson and she loves him and she'd never hurt him.
Did I miss any lame ass excuse for exposing your helpless child to an incurable disease?
My father beat us as kids. He beat us until the blood flowed, not just surfaced. He did much worse to my brother than to me, and I am still haunted by memories of it. When I became an adult, I had to make peace with it one way or the other, and with his sincere apology and attempts to be a better person, my brother and I both came to forgive him. We had a nice little relationship. Until I had kids. I watched the old Ed, the one I knew when I was a child, slowly resurface. It took a few years, a slew of insults flung in my direction, several backs of hands swung in my children's directions and a lot of tears for me to grow a pair and stand up to him. Eventually I did. The day he stood in front of my three year old and screamed at him, at the top of his lungs, with a bright red face because the child had the audacity to play with a toy sitting out on a table was the last straw.
I scooped both kids up, went home, and we haven't really seen him since.
No one is cruel to my children, I don't give a fuck who they are. No one will cause my child one second of unnecessary pain. Their little lives are hard enough, challenging enough, complicated enough. I take a hell of a lot of criticism for removing my kids grandfather from their lives, but I know what he's capable of and I don't want that for my kids, too. It's my job to protect them. From ANYONE who would hurt them.
You know what your mother in law is capable of. You know she does not care. You know she is selfish, and possibly a bit dim. Your job is to protect your son, not coddle his grandmother. If she came to your house and said she had lice, you'd kick her out. This is no different.
Ban her. Permanently. Foreverly. If you can't do that, ban her from any unsupervised contact. Keep yourself between your son and her at all times. He's busy trying to be a child; don't let her make it any harder on him than it already it.
BusyDad:
I'm a little bit buzzed right now. I had to be. When you submitted this question months ago I read it, jaw agape thinking "no, this can't be a real question." Mr Lady told me today she confirmed with you that it indeed is a real one. To properly write an answer to this requires me to be no-holds-barred. And the booze lets the leash go a little bit.
Let me take you through my thought process. I felt kind of bad for her when I read the first part. She seemed ignorant. I know ignorance is not an excuse when it comes to the law, but I personally cannot get too upset at those who are ignorant. That's just the way I'm wired. I'm ALL about intention. If you meant well, no matter what ends up happening, I find it hard to get fired up.
Next, I admired you. For you to keep a civil level of discourse (pretty much turning the other cheek) with the person who indirectly but knowingly gave you herpes by giving it to her daughter is nothing short of superhuman.
But then I got to the last part. The part where your dear Mother-in-Law stopped you - after you educated her, after you opened up about your own situation and pretty much forgave her, after you gave her the benefit of the doubt - and proceeded to intentionally infect YOUR child.
In good conscience I can only say one thing: kick her in the fucking teeth. Hard. Repeat.
