Three's Company
Jul 2, 2008 Jason writes:
Due to a extended transition period, which involved moving from one state to another and having to stay with family while our home was being constructed, our two-year-old son ended up sleeping in the same bed with us for a number of months. We've been able to transition him from our bed to his own, but now we're struggling with trying to get him to fall asleep alone. Right now I have to lay with him or sit on the edge of his bed, sometimes for an hour or more, until he falls asleep. If we're not there he gets out of bed constantly and screams his head off. It's tough. What advice do you have in helping us break him of his need for company when falling asleep?
Mr Lady:
Dude, earplugs. That's the best I've got. Honestly, I don't think there's any one clear answer, but what I can tell you is that unless you're dedicated to co-sleeping, you have to break this cycle right now. Every day you wait makes it harder. My oldest pulled this on me when his brother was born. The middle child gave me some reprieve, but the toddler hit me hard with it, too. The toddler's problem was also in transitions. We moved countries 3 times in two years. She freaked out. I did, too.
What works...hmmm. No one thing works for anyone. With my oldest, I had to reason with him. After about 6 months of screaming matches (I actually had to lock myself out of the house one night and call my husband to come home from work because I was so frustrated, I thought I might hurt the kid. Being tired makes you nuts) I figured out something that worked. It went like this, "Dude, all your cups are dirty." "Me no juice?" "No, buddy, you no juice until momma washes the dishes. She can't do that until you go to sleep. Can you go to sleep so I can wash your cups for you?" "Okay, momma. ZZZZzzzz."
Man's heart, stomach, all that. The toddler was a different story. She flat out refused to sleep unless she was on top of me for close to a year. That was, hands down, the worst year of my life. We took her out and let her pick her own big girl blankets and bedtime babies at the store for her bed, and then we came up with the most insanely OCD night time routine you've ever seen; X amount of hairbrushes, an exact set of words spoken followed by one exact song, and one only, etc. I would do all of those things and then just let her cry. She eventually figured out those things meant Bed. One night, we figured out she had a cue for us. When she says, "See ya, momma" she doesn't cry when I leave. So all I have to do is get her to say "See ya, momma." Sometimes it takes 5 minutes, sometimes it takes 20. But it works EVERY TIME, even with a babysitter.
Do I think that was helpful information? Hell no. Do I totally pity you right now? You know I do. This is one of those things where you've got to figure out what's going to work, and it's just plain trial and error. Good luck, and please let us know what eventually works.
BusyDad:
Ugh. I feel for you too. Having a kid kicking and screaming at bedtime is like spraining your ankle 10 yards from the finish line. You were so close.
I have a word that will help you in this, as well as many other parenting adventures: ramp. I also have a phrase that will help: sacrifice fly.
Observe:
Ramp: kids don't like sudden changes. They will fight them with every ounce of their being. And even at 2, that's a lot of ounces. To change their behavior you need to ramp up towards the final outcome. In this case, tell him to rest or play in his bed for a sec and you'll be back in 2 minutes. Do this a few times (maybe even 20 times the first night - hey, no one said this was easy!), then extend it to 4 minutes the next time (be it the next day or the next week, depending on your child's reaction). In a short time, you could be up to 15 or 20 minute intervals. In my experience, after they can wait about 15 minutes, you're just around the corner from success. This alone may work, but it seems to me that this kid's pretty hardcore. Here's where the sacrifice fly comes in.
Sacrifice Fly: folks reading this may know this as a baseball term. This is where you hit the ball knowing that it will be caught for the out, but in the time it takes to make that play, the runner on base is given ample time to tag up and run home to score. In other words, accepting one bad thing (the out) in return for one good thing (scoring the run). I apply this ALL THE TIME. The sacrifice fly has done wonders for Fury's willingness to eat vegetables. I have no problem letting Fury indulge in candy or cookies -- as long as he also puts something good into his body to get there. To me, the benefit of eating 4 stalks of steamed broccoli (scoring the run) far outweighs the harm of ingesting 2 Oreos (the out). Applying this to getting Fury to sleep in his bed meant that we let him load his bed up with toys (not usually a good thing) at night. While this did not contribute to making him sleep, it DID make him comfortable in his bed. He actually looked forward to it. Once he was comfortable with his bed, we gradually put restrictions on the toys (ramping down). First it was "you can only pick 5," then that eventually became "you can only have stuffed toys." Granted this occurred over months, but it worked. Totally. Worked.
If you do decide to go with my advice, please let me know how it goes. I'm just curious to know if my advice actually works for others...
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Reader Comments (8)
My daughter is three now. We have had a struggle, EVERY night, from crying, to screaming, to getting out of her big girl bed 4-5 times a night, since the....day...she....was...born. I totally get what you're saying about resisting the urge to inflict bodily harm, Mr. Lady. She simply does not want to sleep, and I have the bags under my eyes to prove it. Sorry, I can offer absolutely no advice here. At all.
ugh. mine didn't sleep through the night until she was two. if she was with me i didn't care. it meant sleep.
she still fights me on bedtime, and she just turned 11. it never ends, it just becomes different.
OMG. BD used a baseball analogy. And here I thought he really WAS a pretty princess.
Our little princess affectionately known as ThingTwo is the same, she's rounding two and a half and did not sleep through the night for the first two years of her life. When we got so tired of getting up and spending anywhere from 2 minutes to 2 hours trying to get her back to sleep in her bed 4 to 6 times a night, we started bringing her in our bed. Now she sleeps a bit longer but it's in our bed and she sleeps, sideways. Head in momma's neck, feet in my ear. I like the ramp idea, the question is do I have the patience to ride it out. The kid can cry.......
Thanks to both of you for the advice. We're fortunate that once he falls asleep, he's asleep for the night. I will take both of your suggestions and try this week. Unfortunately, using attachments, such as blankets and stuffed animals are out of the question because he just isn't into that, but we'll try to work something else. I'll let you both know how it goes.
BD -- great baseball analogy and sage advise. I've also got to agree with zeghsy "it just changes." Every time Whirlwind gets into a decent bed time routine and I think we're over the hump, the rules of the game change. We just live by the motto, "Be flexible and expect change," in this house. Jason -- good luck.
We are nowhere near that with a 6 week old. We finally got her to swaddle. But I will save this for later.
I want to thank Mr. Lady and BusyDad as well as all of you that commented on this. We've applied some of what was recommended and were determined to get our son falling asleep by himself in his own bed in his own room. In just one week we've accomplished it. The first night he cried for more than a half hour. Each night after the cries became shorter. Last night he didn't cry at all. He just said good night, got in his bed and went to sleep within minutes. It was awesome. I'm finally able to spend quality time with the wife. We actually were able to watch a horror flick last night. Cool.