The WTF? Crush
Aug 18, 2008 At what point in the tenure of fatherhood does a dad shift from crushes on Head Cheerleader to The Girl Next Door? I've been trying to figure out why Mr. Outdoors has saved photos of Anne Hathaway on the desktop of our computer. Not just one. Several photos. Since I know BusyDad covets similarly down-to-earth Jenna Fischer, I figure he probably has an inside track on the new crush going on in the Y chromosome half of my relationship. What do I need to know here? The last I checked, the crushing was going on in Charlize Theron's world. Which I COMPLETELY UNDERSTAND (I have a GirlCrush on her). Now that I've had my hair cut and colored to match Charlize (subtle hints were given over the years -- least subtle being the page from People magazine of her on a red carpet that was tucked into my purse as I headed to the salon), do I now need to think dark and mousy? With contacts to make my eyes brown? And maxillofacial surgery so my smile goes literally ear to ear?BusyDad:
I have written and re-written my answer 3 times already. This is my fourth attempt.
It would be easy to sit back at this point and say I really don't know why (as my failed attempts easily prove), but there is a reason. A really simple one that I cannot articulate. Time to pour me a little "writing juice," let it settle in and come back.
OK, I'm back. Let's try this one more time. I don't know your hubby, but I know how I think, and I have a feeling it isn't much different from him or other family guys. When you become a dad, you simply become more realistic. I think it's nature's way of buffering you from the blows that otherwise might emotionally derail you. Things like you will never get that Harley, you will never be a 32 waist again and you will never, ever fight in the UFC. That also means you could never turn the head of a Victoria's Secret model. Even if someone could get your Dockers-wearing dad ass into that premier party. Once reality sinks in, you admire the typical hot celebrities from afar, like you would a masterpiece hanging in the Louvre. But you covet the girl-next-door ones like you would that framed Al Pacino Scarface "pencil sketch" that dude at the mall sells out of his art kiosk.
Jenna Fischer reminds me of the little bit shy, doesn't realize she's hot girl whom I might find at the reception desk at my office (yeah, I know because she plays one! duh). To me, that would be attainable in my world (my alternate universe world). That bit of attainability is what gives her that extra something that guys grounded in reality would gravitate towards. Anne Hathaway has that look too, like someone whom you might find sitting in the cubicle next to you tomorrow. Someone who would compliment you on your comfort shoes from The Walking Company. Someone who would find your clip-on Blackberry case cool. She's not intimidating. Like you could totally go to Subway with her during lunch break. But wow, at the office holiday party in that dress and make-up you couldn’t stop staring (in Anne’s case, that secret agent bodysuit).
Scarlett Johansson? Never. Too hot for the cubicle. And that is why she resides in my ever-growing sour grapes pile.
Mr Lady:
Because real women are hot.
My husband will tell you, will scream from the rafters, that I am hotter today than the day I met him. The day I met him I had a size 0 waist, a D-cup rack, and weighed under 100 pounds. Today, I am within 7 pounds of his weight, have a size 10 8 waist, and facial hair. I think he's insane. He thinks I'm real.
Of course, when I just now called that motherf%@#er and asked him who the most crushable celebrity was, he said Angelina Jolie. I said, "Really?" and he said, "Fine. Avril Lavigne." So, screw him. He's totally ruined my point.
My point is that maybe, just maybe, your husband has grown up (unlike some of our spouses) and has realized that the skinny, blond, hot cock garage doesn't equal children and fulfillment and dinner and free ironing. And free ironing is way hot.
Or maybe he's just trying to throw you off the scent. Who knows? Either way, it gives you a good excuse to spend an assload of money on highlights, and that makes it all worth it.
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Reader Comments (21)
"Avril Lavigne?" Seriously, call those boys in the funny coats to come cart him off to the funny farm, 'cause that ain't right. I don't necessarily think it's a byproduct of being hitched, but rather just the reality of the passing of time. Those young hotties are fun to look at, but like the argument against the "72 virgins in paradise" bit, after a while you just want someone that's going to be the freak you need.
Will, THIS is what happens when you live in Canada too long. I blame it on the Canadian Content Law. Like, I'm starting to like the Barenaked Ladies. Shoot me, now.
"Just the freak you need." SAUCY.
Is this the wrong point to admit that I have a girl crush on Avril Lavigne? This was, the funniest answers I've seen.
Avril Lavigne??? I feel like I could be her dad! Yuck! Nice is hot when you get older; responsible is hot when you get older; moms are hot when you get older; I agree with both of you - "hot" changes when you grow up.
My husband has always been more attracted to more realistic women.
Example? He always thought Claire Daines was the hottest thing on the planet. (Which? I just don't get. However, it does make his attraction to me a little more understandable.)
Mr Lady, tell your hubby that I get it. I totally do. Avril Levigne is a little bit hot. Like the "punk" girls who hang out in Old Town Pasadena begging for change just to piss off their old money Pasadena socialite parents who live 3 miles up the hill. When you don't take a shower on purpose, that's a little bit hot.
BusyDad, if you think not taking a shower on purpose is a little hot, you need to come over RIGHTNOW. And maybe stop at ZJ's on the way. :)
*stands up and claps*
First of all... MrL... you said cock garage and now I want to have your babies.
Secondly... BD... I'll gladly take your compliments because I live the majority of my sad life IN a cubicle. I know there's a hot blackberry wearing guy out there for me. HAHA
And I'm inviting myself on THAT road trip. There are babies to be made.
You know what they say: Mousy on the street, tigress in the sheets! At least I say that.
My husband and I both have a crush on Jennifer Garner.
"Hot cock garage".
That is my new favorite phrase ever.
What's an "Iron"?
Um I have a girl crush on Anne. That damn smile of hers will blind the sun but I think she's beautiful. But my all time fave girlcrush has to be Eva Mendez. That girl is smokin hott! And I agree that all of this gave you more reason to spend a shitload of money at the salon. LOL
BusyDad, you totally nailed this one. About time! :-) Just kidding, dude - you hold your own amazingly well. I'd be way too intimidated to co-author a blog w/MrLady!
I have to ask though - are you 30-something wives really OK with your husbands leaving hot female celeb pix all over their computers? Cuz my 40-something wife would kick my 40-something ass out of bed if she caught me doing that.
Oh and BTW - my wife is definitely WAY hotter now than when we married. Thanks, breastfeeding! Oh, and stretch marks are totally hot too, but only Dads know why.
BusyDad - Completely right on the money. I also want to add that its not so much lowering the bar either. In fact, setting your sights from the young nubile starlet to the more grounded, family-oriented girl next door is actually raising it. These women are more complex, come with more baggage and basically have more to offer on a date than "did you see the Minolo's that Carrie was wearing at Big's apartment last night?"
I've said it before...theres a primal shift that occurs deep in the shadows of the male subconscious when they have children. Against our control, we begin to "hunt" a different kind of prey, based on what we feel our needs are at the time. We need companionship, entertainment, comfort...a mother to our children. Based on this, and unbeknownst to us, our top five list takes on a different appearance almost immediately.
Donor - Avril Lavine? Ummmm...........hmm.
The Donor typed an entire comment justifying his Avril comment, and I deleted it. Because I thought he was bitching me out. Turns out he wasn't, and I am a big fat sensitive bitch.
That said, he did admit he thinks she's hot. In the same way BusyDad said.
MPS: I think I'm going to have to take that personally. See two sentences above. And I expect the "Why Stretch Marks Are Sexy" email to arrive in my inbox within the hour. ;-)
NukeDad: It's a paperweight.
@mrlady: Calling you "intimidating" was a compliment, honey. A backhanded one, perhaps, but I meant it with love. :-)
Stretch marks are sexy because they remind me of the physical
paintorture my wife endured to bring our children into our lives.They're sorta like tattoos, but even sexier.
I thought you just liked them because all my potato chips crumbs collect in them. Little valleys of snacky goodness, that. :)
I've been married 14 years and I still think my wife is attractive. But she doesn't: she hates the stretch marks, the belly fat, the size of her waist. She still insists on wearing size 10-12 when she's more like a 16. That means that most of her clothing is both uncomfortable and unflattering. I believe she has no sex drive; she thinks sex is the only aspect of our relationship that I continue to cultivate. She is definitely depressed, and has been taking anti-depressants for years. They aren't working, from my perspective.
She thinks oral sex is dirty (giving or receiving). Bottom line: I haven't had a blowjob in 18 years. Eighteen years is a very long time, especially if you really like bj's. I could have easily outsourced it, but hoped that time (and persistence) would erode her objections. I was wrong: her gag reflex kicks in about three feet away. She says that she was never molested or raped, but her aversion to mouth-to-penis contact seems excessive.
Bottom line: we have had intercourse twice in the past six months. I think she enjoyed the first time and faked it through the second time. I'm tired of flying solo. My dick gets hard when the letter carrier walks past our house, and she's probably a lesbian. I have resorted to flirting with Baristas when I buy my morning coffee: that's the provocative high water mark of the day.
Should I just throw up my hands and admit defeat? I am tempted to find a FWB and just tolerate the status quo for the sake of our four year old son.
Any thoughts?
To MeagerProposal: how much exercise does your wife get? I bet if she got a bit more, she'd feel a LOT better about herself, AND her sex drive would improve. Personally I think anti-depressants SUCK. Loss of sex drive is a known and very common side effect, potentially much more deadly than the depression itself. Trust me, I've tried 'em, and exercise works WAY better (but of course your doctor won't tell you that because he/she is paid by the drug companies to push their products).