I find it amusing that men have power struggles even as parents. As mothers, we take the easy way out, even if it means changing our kid standing up (which I just dont get. but if it works for you then go girl!). When my kid was that young, I was all about whatever makes it easier for both of us. Now at 7? We play "who's in charge" on a daily basis. The Happy Meal scenario? Happens almost daily.

Whew. I was reading Shannon talk about her last baby feeling smaller and smaller until the end. YAY!

My kids do not get many options, either. I am a laid back and not type A at all (Cluttery house not a ton of regulation) person but can be a damn control freak in some areas. Mainly? My kids. Bedtime, meals (I have friends who fix 3 or 4 meals for their kids. Me? Eat it or go hungry) I pick out their clothes and duuuuuuude.BEDTIME is iron clad.

My problem now is that they are 12 and 9 and I HAVE GOT TO CHILL. They need to start making some decisions or they are going to be 34 and living in my basement playing D&D and eating Funyons and chocolate Yohoo.

Until 2 months ago bedtime was still at 8:30. Probably not great for their age, huh?

So...I have loosened up. In some ways it is going well, but in other's...well...I miss being The BOSS. But, I know that I can't be that way forever or I will end up being my parents. Which is NOT acceptable.

Respect is important, but I also think consistency is important. I think it's confusing for young kids when mom does things one way and dad does them another. Doesn't really matter which one is right, in my opinion, as long as both are on the same page, even with diaper changing. Kids don't distinguish between all of these activities, but they do understand when things are different with each parent.

With our kids, we pick our battles, and we never negotiate with them. If things aren't working, then we try new things - together. When the kids fight and throw fits, well "timeout" becomes the fun activity of the day.

The power struggle will always exist as long as kids are striving toward independence and parents are striving towards control - it's natural, in my mind.

You guys are dead on. I JUST realized I have been the chump for a little while now. And it pissed me off. You definitely want to be respected as a dad, even if your way isn't the "right" way. It doesn't matter. As long as it has the same end result, sit back and let dad do his thing.

I am also glad to hear that I am not alone in the three-year-old-queen-of-sheba world.

After reading this post, I've realized something important. I'm a dad, dudes.

I agree with Mr. Lady. It's an authority thing. I have had the same struggle with my son and I will always win. You can't let a toddler win these battles because it'll only breed new ones. They get a taste of power and you're finished.

Wow, you guys really touched a nerve for me with this one.

I was the oldest of 3 kids and I was raised by a father who was all about establishing "dominance" in his household by any means necessary, including physical violence. My dad was very much a "spare the rod, spoil the child" kind of guy (at least with me). My parents were very controlling and overbearing through most of my childhood. Moments of tenderness and real "connection" with my dad were few and far between.

When I hit adolescence, I rebelled big time. I started doing drugs, hanging out with the "wrong" crowd, etc. I went through a pretty long phase where I did not trust my parents at all, and I developed a severe mistrust of authority in general. (I was also a victim of sexual abuse around age 12 by a camp director, which probably also played a role.) I'm surprised I didn't end up in jail or worse. Somehow I eventually got my shit together, but things could have easily gone horribly wrong.

I agree that establishing parental authority is very important, but I also think it's really important to try to do it by connecting with your kids rather than forcibly dominating them. For example, try to understand *why* the kid is so opposed to having his diaper changed in that position. One trick you might try for getting the kid to lie peacefully on his back while getting his diaper changed is to put something engaging to look at on the ceiling. (I have to give my wife credit for that one!)

Mind you, I'm not accusing Trixie's husband of abusing their son or anything, but I've seen how these power struggles between parent and child can escalate, especially with a particularly strong-willed kid. Joking aside, the "respect my authority" attitude can easily lead to spankings, etc. and drive a real wedge between children and parents.

Might I suggest some reading?

http://www.attachmentparenting.org/

Alice Miller, "For Your Own Good"

Micheal, I think you know by now that I was beaten until blood was drawn every day for the better part of my childhood. I GET what you're saying. And I am as non-violent a parent as they come.

I feel like I need to clarify something, because I care what you think, and I know this hit a nerve for you.

Have I spanked? Hell yes I have. Will I again? I imagine. I hate it, they hate it, we ALL know this about each other. But sometimes, I've felt it was necessary.

Here's my reasoning. Many things, I agree, can be come at as a consensus. We plan our meals for the week as a family. They have input on their weekly chores. TV schedule is agreed upon by all. They actively participate in our family's comings and goings. However, big however, there are things that just should NOT be negotiated. Period. And my kids need to know when one of those things is coming.

Take today, at the beach. The 8 year old wanted to get in the kayak with the (admittedly nice, and probably totally safe) older man who was at the beach and had caught several crabs for the kids. 2of3 asked for a ride, and the man agreed, so long as it was okay with me.

Is there anyway in hell I'm letting my kid go sit in the lap of some guy on the beach in the middle of the ocean? NO, there isn't. Did I want to hurt this guys' feelings? No, I didn't either. So what did I do? I got my Don't Fuck With Me On This One voice on. I said "No, no way, and don't you dare argue with me."

My kid knows that voice. My kid, who will argue the existence of air with me, accepted it and walked away.

That is the voice that comes with a spanking. That is the voice that came with every power struggle we've ever had. That is the voice that says, "Buddy, I win on this one, and there is nothing you can do to change that. I am pulling a grown up trump card."

I need that voice for when my 2 year old makes a run for the street in the parking lot, and I need her to stop dead in her tracks. I need it when my 10 year old doesn't want to take his asthma medicine anymore. I need it when my 8 year old wants to poke the totally awesome beehive with a stick. I need them to be *this* much afraid of that voice, because if they're not, the toddler is going to run into traffic. I need a trump card, and I need her to RECOGNIZE it.

I love them, I love them with every ounce of me. I'd never hurt them. I only want them to be safe. And if they don't like that, well, that's on them. Because I HAVE to be the one in charge, because they aren't mentally capable of making the best decisions yet, and they won't be for a long time.

I feel like I owe them that.

Good topic and some interesting comments.

One of the things that I have learned from being a parent (okay, my wife kept beating me over the head with it) was that you need to know when to stand firm and when to give a little. My main concern with being too dictatorial is that my kids will come to resent me *mumble*like I did my parents*mumble*. Kids do need to feel validated.

Another thing is, as parents we need to be careful of one-size-fits-all solutions. My two daughters are about as different in from one another as can be and I found that I can't always deal with them in the same ways. My younger one hates being forced to do things and will usually take the easy out (she would rather go hungry and not get dessert). Whereas with my older one, ultimatums (read: threats) will work effectively.

Thanks so much for the response MrLady. I'm really touched that you actually care what I think, and that you'd take the time to write such a thoughtful reply on what is supposed to be (and IS) usually a more light-hearted blog! Didn't mean to be such a buzzkill. I totally get where you are coming from, and (to Joe's point) if your kids are the kind who actually need a spanking once in a while to make the authority thing stick, who am I to question your methods? There are those who believe spanking is a form of abuse, but I ain't one of 'em. I've met some kids who really don't seem to understand danger unless they are literally beaten over the head with it. Obviously spankings can go too far - drawing blood certainly crosses the line! I chose not to spank my kids out of fear that in my anger I might accidentally really hurt them. Our kids definitely know all about "the voice" though! I really don't think that voice *has* to come with a spanking to be effective.

Discipline is just one of many knife edges we parents must walk. It's a constant balance between allowing our kids the freedom to explore (and experience the natural consequences of fucking up) vs. preventing them from getting into serious trouble. We have to carefully and gradually expand that circle of protection just enough so our kids feel safe and protected but not smothered.

Thanks for sharing your thoughts, everyone! Take care!

I think it is about choosing your battles, and the unfortunate thing is that sometimes parents in the same house have different choices.

(lighthearted example, in case my beloved reads this post) I would rather my daughter not play with the telephone, but my wife thinks it is fun and funny. My wife has been home for the summer and so she has had the role of setting the norms of the house. I respect her norms, even if I don't like them because consistency is the key.

I don't think that we are always on the same page, but there needs to be understanding that the one that sets the norms needs to have the edge when there is a dispute, but honest conversation needs to be had. Maybe this is a genuine concern that one parent has that the other does not, and there both sides need to hear from each other about what the concerns are.

Personally - I'm all for work smart, not hard. I have changed a diaper or two with a standing toddler!

Wow, this post got serious. I'm seriously impressed with Mr Lady's eloquence. Awesome advice, as always.

I think the short version of it is:

"Balance dude. Balance"

I'm late to the conversation on this one, but I'm going to chime in anyway. In our house, the original situation that sparked all of this would fall into the category of doing something "daddy style" vs. "mommy style." In the end, the diaper has been changed. Maybe in the early stages the child struggles with "that's not how Mommy does it," but over time I'd offer that the child learns that ultimately, parents don't do every thing 100% the same way, and that's ok. In fact, the standard answer to "that's not how Mama does it," is "well, we're doing it Daddy Style."

Sometimes that can even be a tough concept for the parents to embrace as well. I know in our house we had to work out a few of those systems early on.

I admit I come at this with a little bit of Michael's perspective, because we do the AP thing here for a lot of reasons that stem from our childhoods, as well (there's no spanking, but there are plenty of other disciplinary options, and my voice has been known to make both my toddler and my dogs wet themselves, so I think I've got "the tone" down pat). I also agree with the common sense approach that Krell has espoused, and would add to it by saying, "First, you pick your battles. After that, tough doo-doo kid, you're in my hands right now."

I don't see myself ever doing battle over something like a diaper change with my son -- in the grand scheme of things, it just feels like an odd place to make your stand as the boss. I'd rather make my authority known on naps, food, cleanliness and safety issues, because those are the basics of survival and good citizenship. But that's my opinion and we all know the old cliche about opinions.